Cooking with Madeline, Daily, Madeline

Cooking with Madeline

Madeline and I have been cooking dinner together every night for the past couple of weeks. She has really gotten in to it. So much so that if I forget and start making dinner without her she starts crying. 


Each night she pulls one of the dining room chairs over to the kitchen counter and asks, “what we going to make?”

She has made the chore of cooking dinner every night after work something that I genuinely look forward to each day. 


We have made everything from deep dish pizza to Belgian waffles. I think her favorite so far has been the brownies. 

I am really enjoying having my new little helper in the kitchen. 

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Daily, Holidays, infant loss, Joshua, Madeline, Parenting, Parenting After Loss

When Mother’s Day is Hard

Mother’s Day is hard. Even with my sweet, little, beautiful Madeline, it is STILL hard. I look at her and I know that I am blessed.  
I know that I am lucky because there are so many that are still longing with aching hearts and empty arms to hear the words “momma, I love you” and for that I know that I am blessed. And even still my heart aches and my soul longs to hear those words come from another little voice too.  
My arms, no matter how full of hugs from my sweet girl, will always still ache at the inability to hold her big brother. I feel the weight of her body as she cuddles in each night still wanting to be held before falling asleep (don’t say she is spoiled – you can’t possibly understand the reasons we do what we do) and I feel the weight of so much more than just her tiny 26 pounds. I feel joy and grief dancing their every present tango inside my heart.  
I miss him.  
Often it is that simple and that complicated all at once. I just miss him. I long to be with him as much as I am with her and that is simply an impossibility this side of Heaven.  
These holidays are such aching reminders of what was, what is, and what could have been. They bring up wounds that never heal. They make me cry tears that never really dry. They leave my heart feeling vulnerable and wounded.  
I know I am not the only one. That makes me sad too. As much as my heart aches for my Joshua, my heart aches for your child too.  
My heart aches for the ones that are still tearfully and prayerfully waiting for a positive result on a test that you take month after month just hoping that the odds will be in your favor this time. My heart aches for those who have seen those tests turn positive only to have your heart break weeks or months later. My heart aches for the ones who have watched the ultrasound machine anxiously as the doctor searched for a sign of hope. My heart aches for those who, like us, have held your tiny child in your arms as they took their final breath. My heart aches for those of you who have had to say goodbye at any point, at any age, for we all know that 15 minutes, 36 hours, 15 years, 36 years, none of it is enough time with our children. My heart aches for the moms (and dads) I know that right now are watching their little ones fight battles that are far bigger than they should have to fight. This motherhood gig is not for the faint of heart. 
So today while my heart somehow feels both full and broken, I am still grateful. Grateful to the little boy who made me a mother. I miss you more than words could ever express and I love you to Heaven and back. And to the little girl who made me a momma, I love you. Thank you for helping to heal your broken momma’s heart.

Daily, Letters to Maddy, Madeline

Three

Three!

Three years of giggles, some tears (hers and ours too), lots of hugs, kisses, and plenty of cuddles, a few sleepless nights, lots of lullabyes and Disney sing-a-longs, more princesses than daddy ever thought he could count, lots of game nights, movies, zoo trips, living room dance parties, and countless weekend adventures, and more joy than we could have ever dreamed of. To say this little girl is loved is an understatement. She is loved beyond measure. She is loved beyond words. She is loved all the way to the moon and back times infinity. She is our rainbow, our love, our joy, our giggle, our wonderful, sweet, little Madeline. May three be filled with as much joy and adventure as two. We adore you, baby girl!

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Madeline,

I know that the saying is “terrible twos,” but honestly two was pretty terrific with you.  To watch you grow and learn this year has been such an amazing and wonderful adventure.  I will admit that you have had your fair share of temper tantrums and you have even sat in timeout a time or two (or twenty), but overall two was pretty great.

While two you have mastered potty training.  You started dance class this year and you are doing so well.  You can almost write your name (Maddy) by yourself  You can draw circles. You can draw stick people with lots of details. You can copy most letters, numbers, and shapes fairly well. You know your ABCs. You can count to at least 17 sometimes higher on your own. You are starting to recognize letters and numbers by sight. You know all of  your colors, shapes, and animals (and sounds). You can run, jump, skip, and of course dance. You follow complex directions. You are getting much better with scissors. You love to do arts and crafts. You know the words to lots of songs and love to perform for us. You love to play board games (and are really good too). You are still a really picky eater that often chooses to skip dinner (you’ll eat when you’re hungry has become my motto). You love Disney princesses, Shopkins, and Barbies. You still take good care of your baby dolls, and love to play doctor and dress up. You love to go to the zoo, Paradise Park, Sky Zone (the jumping place), the park, Target (lol), and anywhere that’s fun.  You love to watch the Royals play baseball and cheer for Salvy.

We switched daycares this year and put you in a preschool that is much closer to my office and is much more preschool curriculum based than free-play.  It has been crazy to see how well you have flourished in your new preschool.  You adore your new teachers and have made so many new friends and they all love you too.  It was not a decision we took lightly or one that was easy for us to make, but it has honestly been the best thing for you.  I am so grateful to know that you love your new school and it has made the drop-off in the mornings so much easier.

You have grown and changed so much this last year.  I look back at photos of you from this time last year and I can really see how your little baby face has changed.  Now I look at you and just see this beautiful little girl.  You are so smart, Madeline.  You amaze me daily with the words you say and the things that you know.  It is surreal to be able to have a full (sometimes pretty deep) conversation with you.  I’ve always dreamed of having a little girl that I could have the kind of friendship with that I have with my mom, and it is such a cool thing to see that dream coming true right before my eyes.  I love our little chats after school while we wait for dad to come home from work.  Those are moments that I will always cherish.

To watch you play this year has been so much fun! Your imagination has really taken off. All of your Barbie dolls, all of your Shopkins, all of your stuffed animals and dolls, all of them have elaborate storylines that you act out each time you play.  Some of the stories you come up with are pretty good too.  You love to pretend that you are the momma and that mom and dad are the babies and you are taking care of us.  This is one of your favorite little games to play.  Well, that and you like to play doctor and give us all shots.  That you think is pretty funny.

I will often catch you singing songs from Moana or Frozen while you are coloring or playing with your kitchen toys.  You have such a sweet little voice.  I love to listen to you sing.  If I’m really lucky you will sing and dance too.  You are such a good performer.  You really are talented (and I swear I’m not just saying that because I’m your mom).

You are the most beautiful, talented, sweet, lovable, funny, intelligent, amazing, wonderful, all-around-perfect three year old I know, and I am so grateful that I get to be your momma.

Love you always,

Momma

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Daily, Madeline

Maddy Draws

I have been so impressed lately with the way Madeline has been drawing.  When she colors she stays in the lines, and now when she draws I can usually tell what it is she is drawing. Her favorites are hearts and people.  She loves to draw her family.  Last night she drew mom, dad, herself (and she said she was painting her nails in the picture), grandma, Uncle Jeff, and Aunt Cathy.  I think Sophie might have been in there too.

 

My little budding artist hard at work.  IMG_1116IMG_1117IMG_1118IMG_112017309570_10100846904154749_4352159649760347921_n

Daily, Madeline

Just Playing Around

Today we got to go hang out and play at Main Event an arcade and bowling alley with Patrick’s co-workers and their families.  Madeline had a blast getting to play game after game.  She loves to play arcade games.

Madeline and daddy having a ball playing games together.

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Madeline also got to go bowling for the first time while we were there.  We weren’t quite sure if she would like it or if she would want to stick with it for a whole game.  Boy were we surprised when she played two whole games!  She loved it.  Between the bumpers and the little ramp that they had for kids to help guide the ball, she did pretty good too.  We will definitely have to take her bowling again sometime soon.  She had a lot of fun, and it was pretty fun watching the little dance she would do each time after she would take her turn.

Her personality just keeps growing bigger and bigger everyday.  I am constantly amazed by her.  She is just such a happy, silly, fun kid to be around.  It makes days like this extra fun.

Madeline played hard.  By the time we got home she was passed out in the car and didn’t even wake up when I got her out of her carseat.  Love this kid.

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Daily, infant loss, Joshua, Madeline, Parenting After Loss

Missing

I’m struggling to get out of bed today. This is the day I spend 364 days a year dreading. I would much rather stay in bed and skip over this day. The memories that too easily come and play on repeat. There are some images that a mother and father just shouldn’t have in their heads. Today is a day that is impossible to turn them off. The nightmare that never ends. I miss him. We miss him. It hurts. Today more than ever… 2/20/2013 – 2/22/2013 – 36 hours was not enough.

 

 

And then there is this…

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Madeline really does know how to fill our broken hearts with joy. Four years ago I watched my husband hold our son and my heart broke as it was for the first and last time all at once. Every time I watch him with our daughter I am overwhelmed with love for him, for her, and just for the opportunity to watch them together. I love how they love each other.

Daily, Holidays, Madeline

How Sweet it Is

I was surprised at work with these gorgeous, red, long-stemmed roses.  I think he likes me.  ;)

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Then he surprised our little sweetheart with some flowers of her own.  She was so excited.  I had told her that daddy sent me flowers at work and showed her a picture of them and she said, “that is so nice.”  She could not stop giving daddy hugs after he gave her flowers when he came home from work.

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Madeline was also pretty excited to get matching socks with mommy.  She is big into matching mom these days, so to have something that really matched was just the best thing ever.

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I made some chocolate covered strawberries and we had our little family gift exchange before everyone went to work and school for the day.  I love our family.

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