Daily, infant loss, Joshua, Letters to Josh

Four

Four. Today you should be turning 4. There should be balloons and cake and presents and a trip to one of your favorite places. I wonder what that would be… There should be lots of giggles and hugs and sweet birthday wishes for our getting so big too fast birthday boy. Instead I’m here, just missing you like every other day. Wishing I could give you the biggest birthday hug and tell you how much I love you and that no matter how big you are getting you will always be my baby while I cover your sweet face in kisses that I’m sure you would do your best to wiggle away from. Someday, just know we will have a lifetime of hugs and kisses to makeup. I love you, my sweet boy. I miss you. Happy 4th Birthday!

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Daily, Letters to Josh, Letters to Maddy, Madeline, Parenting After Loss

On the Eve of Your First Birthday

My Dear Madeline Rose Louise,

 
Tomorrow is the BIG day.  I can still remember how anxious I was one year ago today.  I was so grateful to have made it to the finish line healthy and safe, but I was still so nervous and scared.  One thing you will come to learn about your momma is that I worry too much.  I read too much.  I panic too easily.  
 
After how our birth story with your brother ended, I couldn’t help but stress and worry and panic when it came to you.  I had learned too much.  My eyes had been opened to the thousands of what-if scenarios and I was scared.  I knew that the “safe” place was not always the safest and that literally anything could go wrong at any moment.  That is not exactly the best way to spend your last hours of pregnancy, completely terrified, so I tried to take some deep breaths and soak up every little kick and jab that I could feel.  
 
Today, I am fascinated by you.  I often will hold you and just stare.  Amazed that your daddy and I were able to create something so stunningly perfect.    
 
Tonight, I will bake your very first birthday cake and try my best not to salt it with my tears. 
 
I will put the finishing touches on your outfit for tomorrow’s birthday photos. 
 
Most importantly, tonight I will breathe you in. I will try my best to memorize every detail of your precious baby face. I will admire the curl of your mouth, the softness of your skin, and the length of your lashes. I will cherish the weight of your tiny body resting on my chest as you drift into dreamland. I will be grateful for every crazy moment that we have spent with you these last 365 days. 
 
Tonight, I will soak it all in. 
 
Dream well my love. A new adventure awaits with the dawn. 
 
Love always and forever,
 
Your momma 
Baby Loss, Daily, Joshua, Letters to Josh, Monthly Letters

Two Years

Dear Sweet Joshua,

Today you would be 2 years old.

I want nothing more than to be planning a birthday party. Probably TMNT themed thanks to your dad’s influence. I want to bake you a cake and watch you blow out the candles.

I want to spoil you with presents and shower you with kisses as you giggle and try to wiggle out of my arms.

I want to hug you tight and tell you the story of how you were born.

I want to watch you play with trucks and cars and pretend that you are Batman here to save us all.

I want to tell you how much I love you and hear your sweet voice say that you love me too.

My sweet angel boy, I want you to know how proud I am of you. Maybe that seems silly to say, but I am. I proud of you. You, in your short 36 hours on earth, touched so many lives. Your footprint may have been tiny and your life far too short, but your impact was huge. Your life mattered and I will make sure that it continues to matter so long as I am breathing.

My child, my son, I love you. I know these days it seems like I am so busy with your little sister, but there has yet to be a day or a moment where I am not thinking of you.

Sometimes I think she sees you. She will stare and babble and giggle at nothing for several minutes. I like to think it’s you coming to play with her. I do pray that it’s you she is seeing. I will make sure she knows all about you, dear boy. You are, after all, her big brother and that is a very important person for her to know.

This last year has been harder than the first without you. This year we watched your little sister grow and play and smile and say mama and dada all of the things we wish more than anything we could have watched you do too. Madeline has made losing you feel even more real.

Sometimes I dress her in onesies and jammies that we had bought for you. I hope you don’t mind.

I love you. I love you. I love you, sweet baby. I miss you so very much. My soul aches and longs to hold you in my arms and cuddle you close.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Joshua Patrick.

Have your Great Grandma Jones bake you a cake today. I bet the birthday parties in Heaven are amazing.

Love you always and forever,

Momma