Daily, Letters to Josh, Letters to Maddy, Madeline, Parenting After Loss

On the Eve of Your First Birthday

My Dear Madeline Rose Louise,

 
Tomorrow is the BIG day.  I can still remember how anxious I was one year ago today.  I was so grateful to have made it to the finish line healthy and safe, but I was still so nervous and scared.  One thing you will come to learn about your momma is that I worry too much.  I read too much.  I panic too easily.  
 
After how our birth story with your brother ended, I couldn’t help but stress and worry and panic when it came to you.  I had learned too much.  My eyes had been opened to the thousands of what-if scenarios and I was scared.  I knew that the “safe” place was not always the safest and that literally anything could go wrong at any moment.  That is not exactly the best way to spend your last hours of pregnancy, completely terrified, so I tried to take some deep breaths and soak up every little kick and jab that I could feel.  
 
Today, I am fascinated by you.  I often will hold you and just stare.  Amazed that your daddy and I were able to create something so stunningly perfect.    
 
Tonight, I will bake your very first birthday cake and try my best not to salt it with my tears. 
 
I will put the finishing touches on your outfit for tomorrow’s birthday photos. 
 
Most importantly, tonight I will breathe you in. I will try my best to memorize every detail of your precious baby face. I will admire the curl of your mouth, the softness of your skin, and the length of your lashes. I will cherish the weight of your tiny body resting on my chest as you drift into dreamland. I will be grateful for every crazy moment that we have spent with you these last 365 days. 
 
Tonight, I will soak it all in. 
 
Dream well my love. A new adventure awaits with the dawn. 
 
Love always and forever,
 
Your momma 
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