Daily

Reflection

It is amazing how much has changed in one year.

Last year, I was broken. My heart ached as I anticipated May 3rd, the day that was supposed to be our due date with Joshua. I was hurting and lost knowing that Mother’s Day was rapidly approaching and that it was not going to be the beautiful day I had envisioned many months earlier.

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Tonight, I sit here next to my beautiful 3 week old daughter and this amazingly strong and wonderful man that I am blessed enough to call my husband, and I am so grateful.

I am grateful for this broken road that has led us to this moment. I am grateful for our sweet little girl who we get to hold and love and spoil and who in only 24 days has already healed so much of my forever broken heart. This little baby who allows me to mother not just her, but her brother through her as well.

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There are moments when I look at her and I just ache. I ache for how much I love her and I ache for how much I wish her big brother was here with us filling our days with even more joy and love than I can imagine.

I still don’t understand the reasons why Joshua was taken from us so soon. I know that there is no understanding on this side of Heaven. I do know that we wouldn’t have Madeline right now if we hadn’t lost her brother last year. The original plan was to wait until Joshua was one year old to try for a sibling. Clearly that plan no longer applied after we had to say goodbye to Joshua.

Now, don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. Madeline in no way whatsoever replaces her brother. The role of first born will always belong to Joshua. That place in our family will always be his,
and we will always see an empty space in our family photos where he should be. But the beautiful thing about love is that it always multiples without ever having to be divided. We are able to pour all of our love into Madeline without having to stop loving and missing Joshua.

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I keep saying how bittersweet it all is. Each moment we have with Madeline is another reminder of what we missed with Joshua. I pray that I will always cherish each and every moment I have with this precious child that God has blessed us with. I pray that she is able to understand just how loved and wanted she truly is.

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