Daily

Where I Am Right Now

I know I’m long overdue for an update. Honestly, I have a lot to tell you, but for now, this is all I’ve got.

I will be 29 weeks tomorrow.

Joshua was born at 29 weeks last February.

Tomorrow we are supposed to get hit with a major snow storm that the news is continuing to compare to the snow storm we had the day after Joshua was born last year.

The same snow storm that the doctors have all tried to use as an excuse as to why he wasn’t transferred right after he was born and why the neonatologist wasn’t able to get to the hospital when he started having problems breathing the morning he passed away.

Now, I have every reason to believe that pre-e isn’t going to be an issue this pregnancy, and I know everything is going great with this baby girl.

And yet, here I am – unable to stop crying out of fear, from memories, from everything…

I know I was diagnosed with PTSD after losing Josh, and I know that the month of February, being 29 weeks pregnant, and the snow are all triggers for me, but having everything hit at once is just so hard.

I’ve been doing so good.

Staying positive and upbeat for this pregnancy, but I feel stuck today.

Stuck back there in that hospital watching the snow fall outside my window and feeling completely helpless to stop the nightmare that was unfolding.

Really wishing I could just skip this whole month…

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2 thoughts on “Where I Am Right Now”

  1. Vicky, I’ve been thinking of you so much the past few days. I don’t know the right words to say but know I am here and that I love you. May peace be yours!

    Like

  2. Mom loves you so much and sees your hurting and wish I could help with that pain but one thing I know God is still in control and we have a beautiful blessing coming in April….Josh will always have a special place in our hearts and we have the promise we will see him again.
    Love you,
    ,

    Like

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