While at work last week, a coworker came in and simply asked, “How are you today?”
It’s a simple question. Innocent.
I did not expect that it would bring me to tears.
Really, I’m not even sure where they came from. But there I was, unable to hold back the tears that were welling up in my eyes. I cried. I couldn’t stop.
These days the grief and pregnancy hormones are all mixed together and they are just overwhelming and exhausting. I cry at everything. That song on the radio that seems to know exactly what is in my head, that commercial with a baby, the tiny little socks in the baby section at Target, traffic, the way the wind blows…seriously everything reduces me to tears.
Half the time I couldn’t even begin to tell you what was the source of the tears. All I know is that they keep coming without fail.
One of the things that has been a trigger lately has been the weather.
Joshua was born, died, and buried on some very cold, snowy days. This winter weather we are quickly entering into has been a harder than usual adjustment for me. The first really cold day we had was last week. The air outside reminded me of February and in an instant, there I was, right back at the beginning of this nightmare.
The weathermen all say we are going to see some snow tomorrow. I’m not sure my heart is ready for that yet.
I wonder when I will be able to see snow again and not associate it with an overwhelming grief. Actually, I wonder that about a lot of things…
Next week is Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be grateful for, but I also have a lot that is missing. Last year Thanksgiving was the day we told our families that they would be welcoming a little boy into our family.
I’m not sure where I’m going with any of this. All I know is that I seem to be very fragile these days. Balancing grief and joy is not an easy task, so don’t be alarmed if your simple, “how are you today?” is met with tears. I’ll be okay. Someday. Meanwhile, I’m going to go hide from the snow. Wake me up when it’s Spring.