I know this is not at all how we expected this year to be.
We made plans.
I am so very sorry that this is how it is. I wanted nothing more than to see you holding your son on your very first Father’s Day. I know this day is not at all how you wanted it to be.
I want to tell you something.
You are a wonderful dad.
You were from the very beginning.
The way you always placed your hand gently on my belly, just hoping that you would feel Josh kick. I remember the very first time you felt him move. I had been able to feel him kick and move for weeks. We were sitting in the dark movie theater, watching James Bond, I grabbed your hand and placed it on my bump where our son was kicking like crazy. Your eyes grew big as you finally felt him move. I don’t doubt for a second that Josh knew you were his daddy. When you would talk he would start kicking. He knew your voice. He loved you. I was so excited to be able to finally share those moments with you. Those moments are so precious to me.
Every night we would talk about all of the plans we had for our son. There would be baseball games, trips to the zoo, walks to the park, family vacations, so many things. We had so many things planned. It was going to be amazing.
You were such a great dad.
The day Josh was born you were right there. You were holding my hand the whole time. I was so scared and you were so strong. You stayed right with me until you knew I was okay and then you went with our son. You were such a proud daddy. He held your finger in his tiny little hand. Those photos, every time I see them my heart melts. The love I see in those precious photographs – it’s truly indescribable. I know you were scared. I know you were worried, but you didn’t show it. You were so, so strong. You were our hero.
You are still a wonderful dad.
The way you remember him. The way you talk about him. The way you miss him. I know this is not how you expected to be spending your first Father’s Day. I would give anything to change it. You are such an amazing man. You are the best husband I could have ever dreamed of. You are my very best friend. You don’t deserve the heartbreak that I know you are feeling.
Keep reminding yourself that eternity is long. This life is short, even though it feels like the days are dragging along. Soon enough we will have an eternity to be Josh’s mom and dad, and I am so looking forward to that day.
Until then, please know that you are loved so much more than you could ever possibly know. I know that you hurt. I know that you are sad. It’s okay to not be strong all the time. Let me be strong for you tomorrow as we mark this Father’s Day with full hearts, but empty arms. You are a father, even if you don’t always feel like it, and you are a wonderful one. There is no way I would be able to get through this life without you. Happy Father’s Day, my sweet husband.
Love Always and Forever,
And to our dear sweet Joshua Patrick,
I will be looking after your daddy tomorrow (and every day). I will be sure to give him lots of extra hugs and kisses for you. I will love him extra for you. But if you could send your daddy a little sign tomorrow that would be a pretty awesome gift. We miss you. I really wish you were here to make this day special for your daddy. He loves you so very much. Wait for us there in Heaven, sweet boy. We can’t wait to hold you again.
Love Always and Forever,