At first it was a Winter that didn’t seem to want to let up. Now it is a Spring that seems to bring nothing but storm clouds and rain. I could try and pull an analogy about my life out of this weather, but honestly I’m just too tired.
The grey skies make me wish I had stayed in bed this morning.
It certainly isn’t helping me snap out of this funk that I appear to be trapped in.
I keep crying at work.
It’s not a little one tear rolling down my cheek kind of cry either. It’s a full, I can’t stop it, use a whole box of Kleenex kind of cry – which is less than ideal…
It’s grey outside.
The rain keeps falling.
So do the tears.
It’s just a cycle now. Rinse and repeat.
I feel like I need to “snap out of it.” That I need to learn how to cope better. I need to learn how to control the flood of emotions that seems to overwhelm. I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t focus. I can’t…
Time. It just takes time. That’s what I keep hearing. As if one day I will magically wake up and be okay with the fact that Joshua isn’t here. As if I’ll eventually have another child and that will somehow make up for the loss. As if I won’t always look at every family photo, vacation, and moment and know that someone is missing. As if my heart can heal with a piece missing.
I want to go back and change things. I want to go back and right this awful wrong. I want him with me. I want to be changing diapers in the middle of the night. I want to be singing lullabies. I want to to hear baby cries instead of my own.
I’m praying for peace. I’m praying for strength. I’m praying for hope. I’m praying for faith.
Because right now I feel empty.
I feel drained.
I feel fragile.
I feel disappointed.
I feel let down.
I feel very broken.
…some days are better than others…