I went to church this morning. It was my first time back since having Josh. Patrick had to work this morning, so I had my mom come with me so I wouldn’t be alone. Problem is I always feel alone now. Even in a crowded church auditorium, I feel alone.
Going to church had always left me feeling so refreshed. I missed that today. Instead I heard a baby cry and tried my best not to crumple to the ground.
His plans are bigger than mine.
We sang songs about God conquering death and the grave, and I cried wondering why God couldn’t have conquered death for my son.
My ways are not His ways.
Several were baptized this morning, and all I could think about is how my little boy will never get to make that decision. I will never get to pray with him and stand proudly watching him choose to follow Him.
It is not meant for me to understand.
My faith is weak right now, but it is not gone. My God is still God even in the midst of the storm, and I know He will calm this raging sea of pain and grief that I feel.
I’m putting my hope and my trust in Him, the only risen King.