Daily

Homesick

Over the past four years I have been to more funerals than anyone should ever have to endure. These have not been funerals for a mere acquaintance or an elderly family member (I’ve been to those too). But I’m talking about the ones that are for kids my age. These have been friends.

Friends I’ve known my whole life. Friends my age that all died so suddenly…So tragically. It is a strange feeling to go from funeral to funeral. To walk past these caskets that now hold your friends…So lifeless…

Some people handle death relatively well. They move through the stages of grief smoothly, and are able to easily cope. I on the other hand am not one of those people. I shut down. I close people out. I cry. I do nothing but cry. I am unable to see past the grief. Unable to see past the pain and hurt. Essentially – I fall apart.

I consider myself a religious person. I go to church. I do what’s right. I love God. But I find it so hard to understand His plan. How can He take a 24 year old that was so in love with God? Someone that wanted to serve Him and teach others about Him. How can he take an 18 year old that was just coming into her faith? How can he take another 18 year old that was such an awesome light shining for Him? How can he take a 23 year old that had overcome so many adversities, and was able to lean on Him for her strength? How can he take a 14 year old that wanted to yell it to the world that God was awesome? A boy that wanted nothing more than to live for Him hardcore. To love Him with everything he had. I know we are not meant to understand God’s ways. I know we should not questions His plan.

We only see the pain we are going through. The pain we see in their parent’s eyes when they have to place their beloved child into the dirt. The anguish you feel in your heart when you hear the news that a car accident, a sudden aneurysm, a drowning has taken this beautiful soul from this world. my heart eternally aches for them. I’m constantly afraid that I will lose someone else. That I will once again have to put on my black skirt and sweater and mourn the loss of another soul I love.

I went to a MercyMe concert in February of 2004, two months after the death of someone that, at one point in time, was like a little brother to me. They talked about how while they were writing their new CD they had several people close to them pass away (I immediately teared up). So they continued to talk about how their song I Can Only Imagine had been played at many funerals, and was a ministry to people in their time of grief.

I agree, that song, those lyrics are so beautiful, and the only comfort I have is knowing that they truly are in a better place. They are with God. They are in Heaven. They are lucky in that fact. I am blessed to know that I will get to hug them again. I will get to see them again. It all just continues to hurt, because I have to wait. I’m not saying I want to die, because I don’t. I love my family. I love my friends. I just love God, and I can’t wait for Him to come again so that all of the earthly pain and hurt I feel can be no more.

I want to go Home. I want to see my friends again, to see my family that I miss so much, my grandpa, my grandma, great aunts and uncles, my cousin, just so many people that I long to see. So at this concert MercyMe continue to say that they had written this new song about their pain, their loss, and their longing to go Home. I immediatly began to cry hard, because the emotion tied to the words of this song just completely grabbed at my heart, and I just had to let it all out.

Homesick

by MercyMe

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I’m still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

I’ve never been more homesick than now

 

 

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